Pop and Rock Star First Eleven

We’ve all tried to put together a first eleven before, the best for your team that day or the best of all time or the like. In our ‘Not The Team News’ series we put together alternative first elevens of people known for things completely other than their footballing ability. This time around, it’s Pop Stars.

1. Goalkeeper

Krist Novoselic (bassist in Nirvana)

He’s 6′ 7″ tall, based on some of the Nirvana videos he clearly knows how to fling himself around, he’s a nimble pair of hands and and an old and experienced head. If he can deal with the likes of Kurt Cobain I reckon he can deal with an unruly defence.

2. Central Defender one

Ol’ Dirty B’stard (of legendary Hip-Hop group the Wu-Tang Clan)

Every now and again you need a centre-back who’s gonna be low-down dirty, gonna break the rules and give you no-holds-barred behaviour to stop that opponent getting the ball in the back of the net. Ladies & gentleman, Ol Dirty is your man.

3. Central Defender two

Marilyn Manson

Why? You’re through on goal with just one defender to beat before taking a pop at goal & you find in front of you a 6′ 1″ with a face like that. If THAT doesn’t put you off your shot I don’t know what would.

4. Left-Back

John Grimes (of Jedward)

Why? See below

5. Right-Back

Edward Grimes (of Jedward)

Why? Mostly just for the craic, how hilarious would it be to see these two running up & down the flanks of the pitch?… but seriously, with hair that high they’ve a natural defence against high balls going over the top down the line. Plus it’s sometimes valuable to have full-backs who run around like headless chickens and who’s gonna be better at running around like a headless chicken than these two?

6. Defensive Central Midfielder

Chris Martin (of Coldplay)

Look, we don’t want anything exciting or flashy out of our defensive midfielder OK? Just the ability to do the same thing, again and again and again, to a highly professional (yet thoroughly boring) standard. Just do your job Chris then give it to somebody else to make something pretty & shiny happen, there’s a good boy.

7. Attacking Central Midfielder

Michael Jackson

Flair, it’s all about flair. He’d unlock that defence like a ‘Smooth Criminal’, moonwalking around players as he surges into the penalty area or effortlessly flicks the ball through to an oncoming player. Plus if you’re hoping for a penalty or 2 you can depend on Jacko to grab his crotch and fall to his knees.

8. Left-Winger

Lady Gaga

We’re talking left-field so Lady Gaga fits the bill perfectly. In a winger you’re looking for a proven bit of creativity but they also need to have a trick or two up your sleeves. Picture the scenario: you’ve sprinted down the wing but are now facing a seeming dead-end in the corner, one defender in front and another blocking your exit. What do you do? Lady Gaga’ed don an outfit made entirely of the flesh of woodland animals, wave a crucifix in their faces, juggle a couple of chainsaws, & disappear in a puff of smoke.. leaving the defence in her wake as she breaks into the box to lay up a shot. Boooom.

9. Right-Winger

MC Hammer (‘rapper’… look him up kids)

What do you need down the wing? Well you need a running man don’t you. Who’s the king of the ‘running man’ dance move?….I thank you. He’d show the opponent the ball, ‘wanna take it off me?….Can’t touch this’, and off he scarpers (well, if he doesn’t fall over his enormous clown trousers).

10. Striker one

Johnny Cash

He’s your target man. An old’ hand, sturdy and with heaps of experience (though lets face it not much pace). He’d battle through a ‘Ring of Fire’ to get his head on the ball and if you need somebody to lead by example? ‘I’ll Walk The Line’ he says.

11. Striker two

Beyoncé

And finally. Johnny Cash has the presence, but who’s got the moves? Who’s got the elegant fleet of foot to pick up the loose ball and weave past 3 players? When Johnny Cash nods the ball on into the danger zone who springs up with a scissor-kick and slams the ball into the back of the net with a splash of ‘uh-huh, that’s right, I just did’? Beyoncé does, of course she does.

 

What? Think you could do better?

Go on then, get making with your own player suggestions or alternative first elevens in the Comments or the Forums, lets see what you’re made of.
Photo by thms.nl